Holland & Barrett - Programmed for Fitness with the Green Goddess

Okay, this is definitely a bit of an oddity in the collection! It’s another one that isn’t from the main box, however I have absolutely no recollection of when or how I acquired it. Back in the summer of 2014 I was in the process of moving house, and whilst packing things up in preparation, I found this tape (along with another, which we’ll get to in due course) hidden away on a bookshelf. I racked my brain at the time but could not of the life of me remember where it came from. I have two theories:

1.      I bought it cheap from a charity shop because it amused me
2.      Someone (possibly David?) bought it cheap in a charity stop and gifted it to me because it amused them

For the uninitiated, Holland & Barrett are a chain of health food shops, and the Green Goddess (aka Diana Moran) was the exercise guru on BBC1’s Breakfast Time programme in the 1980s. I can find no mention of this tape online, but have to assume it was some sort of instore promotional give away. The cover advises that it is a ‘7 Day Exercise Plan’, and I must admit I’m slightly curious as to how this will work in audio form. On the surface this kind of thing seems to be designed to be delivered via a visual medium (so you can follow along and make sure you’re doing it right). Presumably to assist with this missing element, the sleeve notes contain a series of diagrams for each day, giving step by step illustrations of what you should be doing as you work your way through the programme. I really have no idea how I’m going to review this, but let’s give it a go!

Artist: Holland & Barrett
Album: Programmed for Fitness with the Green Goddess
UK Record Label: The Production Team Ltd
UK Release Date: 1986
UK Single Releases from Album: None (obviously)

Side 1:

Monday – Warm Up and Stretch (A gentle routine to start the week): Oh wow, there’s eighties synth music in the background (the sleeve notes advise that it’s courtesy of the legendary KPM library)! This is great – it’s like a cross between ‘Journey of the Sorcerer’ by the Eagles (the theme to ‘The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy’) and ‘Holding Out for a Hero’ by Bonnie Tyler. But with exercise instructions over the top of it. The Green Goddess is certainly enthusiastic as we start the week, I dread to think what she’ll be like by the weekend!

Tuesday – The Shoulder Shrug (Release your neck and shoulder tension): This one is a bit more in the vein of Kraftwerk but crossed with Mozart maybe. This is basically wiggling your head around, like you do when you have a stiff neck. Then twisting your arms around like you do when you’ve got a dodgy shoulder. You’re in safe hands with Diana though, she’ll make sure you don’t overexert yourself.

Wednesday – Move That Middle, Shape Those Sides (A workout for your waistline): Today it’s more like Jean-Michel Jarre. This workout gets very energetic, no taking it easy midweek with the Green Goddess!

Side 2:

Thursday – The Leg Limber (A long look at legs):Hmm, hints of Yellow Magic Orchestra this time! The illustrations for this one show a series of lunges, and that seems to be the gist of the exercise, lunge left, then right, then repeat.

Friday – Try This For Thighs (Shape up the bottom & thighs):More of an eighties quiz show vibe here. I can feel my bottom getting toned just listening!

Saturday – The Tummy Trim (Tone up the tum):Diana helpful tells us this will help tackle our beer guts, so that’s good to know. Oh, this one is quite intense, think I’d want to throw up by now if I was doing it after a session on the ale. Ever the professional, the Green Goddess tells us not to perform this exercise on a full stomach. Noted.

Sunday – The Lazy Lie In Stretch (Exercise in bed or your favourite chair):The last day. As Sunday is a day of rest, we can apparently perform today’s exercises in bed, and we have appropriately soothing music, think Air but a bit cheesier. There’s definitely a gentler pace after yesterday’s deathercise session. There’s a lot of bottom sticking out going on too, and apparently, we’re imitating cat’s waking up. With that we’re done.

Links:
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